Keeping Conscious Rotating Header Image

January 15th, 2010:

A week of different breakfasts

Today is the 5th day of not sitting in front of the computer eating breakfast and reading blogs/news. While I do miss the news, my initial thought of “what will I do?” quickly passed when I realized that there was quite a bit going on up there in my noggin!

Today I was thinking and working on extending my todo list that I posted previously. But I wasn’t really consciously “sitting” with it. I had actually awoken up earlier this morning, laying in bed thinking of something else. The notion of conflict between the emotional excitement and expression of that vs feeling that emotion and then rationally, calmly expressing it. Dunno if that is exactly what I’m feeling, but I think with continued writing, hopefully it’s full idea will be come manifest.

So. Excitement. It’s been bubbling forth with me lately. Giddy. A sense of young childish like excitement and wonderment. Silliness. It seems like a good thing. Keeping in touch with the young side my life. Keeping a connection with the emotive, feeling it express itself. A almost letting go, so to speak of control. No…more like a feeling of aliveness. Sometimes solitude and responsibilities can have a sobering effect on the disposition. it’s not like I don’t have activites that don’t bring me some sort of enjoyment or happiness, it just seems like there has been a lack of emotional intensity of awakefulness? Joy? hmmm…not sure exactly, but something.  But it’s here right now for me. I feel it every morning when I get up, while I’m driving, at work… Just in my being as of late.

The thing that concerns me about this state is the unfilteredness of it. Just because I feel it, and let it “wash” over me, doesn’t mean others around me “get it”. I feel a little  self conscious about the expression at times of these emotions. I’m kinda wondering how much of the expression is too much of an unfiltered emotional response. Is it impulsive? I am I just expressing cause it feels good? Is there some other “story” behind the expressing that’s motivating me to doing it? Lets see…

Clearly lately there HAS been an influence that has jump started this. Namely the activity of dating again. Joining the online dating site and meeting new people. I know that I am a person who is very receptive to meeting new people and that my personal energy is recharged with interaction with people. While I like my time alone, I realize that I NEED interaction with people. They bring me energy that I need. There is also the excitement of meeting someone new and a possible new girlfriend. Yes that is exciting. Having been single for a while now, the prospect of finding a new girlfriend IS exciting. Well that seems normal. What else…
The interactions with the dates have been fruitful. One in particular has jumped started conversations with myself about what’s going on upstairs. There has been a refocusing  of awareness that I haven’t been paying as much attention to. The activity upstairs has brought about the excitement. Looking at the issues that have become apparent has been interesting as well as exciting. The discovery of them, looking at them, writing about them, and even working on them, has been EXCITING! And very positive.

I think that maybe I’m a little unused to having this much fun positive excitement about myself. Ohhhhh…now that statement kinda rung true. Hmmm.  More fat to be chewed. I love it.