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January, 2010:

A week of different breakfasts

Today is the 5th day of not sitting in front of the computer eating breakfast and reading blogs/news. While I do miss the news, my initial thought of “what will I do?” quickly passed when I realized that there was quite a bit going on up there in my noggin!

Today I was thinking and working on extending my todo list that I posted previously. But I wasn’t really consciously “sitting” with it. I had actually awoken up earlier this morning, laying in bed thinking of something else. The notion of conflict between the emotional excitement and expression of that vs feeling that emotion and then rationally, calmly expressing it. Dunno if that is exactly what I’m feeling, but I think with continued writing, hopefully it’s full idea will be come manifest.

So. Excitement. It’s been bubbling forth with me lately. Giddy. A sense of young childish like excitement and wonderment. Silliness. It seems like a good thing. Keeping in touch with the young side my life. Keeping a connection with the emotive, feeling it express itself. A almost letting go, so to speak of control. No…more like a feeling of aliveness. Sometimes solitude and responsibilities can have a sobering effect on the disposition. it’s not like I don’t have activites that don’t bring me some sort of enjoyment or happiness, it just seems like there has been a lack of emotional intensity of awakefulness? Joy? hmmm…not sure exactly, but something.  But it’s here right now for me. I feel it every morning when I get up, while I’m driving, at work… Just in my being as of late.

The thing that concerns me about this state is the unfilteredness of it. Just because I feel it, and let it “wash” over me, doesn’t mean others around me “get it”. I feel a little  self conscious about the expression at times of these emotions. I’m kinda wondering how much of the expression is too much of an unfiltered emotional response. Is it impulsive? I am I just expressing cause it feels good? Is there some other “story” behind the expressing that’s motivating me to doing it? Lets see…

Clearly lately there HAS been an influence that has jump started this. Namely the activity of dating again. Joining the online dating site and meeting new people. I know that I am a person who is very receptive to meeting new people and that my personal energy is recharged with interaction with people. While I like my time alone, I realize that I NEED interaction with people. They bring me energy that I need. There is also the excitement of meeting someone new and a possible new girlfriend. Yes that is exciting. Having been single for a while now, the prospect of finding a new girlfriend IS exciting. Well that seems normal. What else…
The interactions with the dates have been fruitful. One in particular has jumped started conversations with myself about what’s going on upstairs. There has been a refocusing  of awareness that I haven’t been paying as much attention to. The activity upstairs has brought about the excitement. Looking at the issues that have become apparent has been interesting as well as exciting. The discovery of them, looking at them, writing about them, and even working on them, has been EXCITING! And very positive.

I think that maybe I’m a little unused to having this much fun positive excitement about myself. Ohhhhh…now that statement kinda rung true. Hmmm.  More fat to be chewed. I love it.

View from the table…

I dunno if that the eating from the table has been so much of the stimulus for thought or if conversations I’ve been having have been. Most of the conversation has been almost like a therapy session like experience, although it seems to have this intellictual sense about it to me vs an emotional one.

So the marathon is coming up this weekend. I’ve been training for 26 weeks and this will be my third. Two things have become clear in the last 4 weeks around this:

  1. Accepting the label that I am an athlete
  2. Asking for help from others

The first came about while writing my profile for a dating site called Plenty Of Fish. In the part where you write about yourself I had written runner. After a couple of days on the site, I found a forum on there and saw some more tips on how to improve your profile and what to do and not to do on it. It was then upon tweeking and improving the profile over the next couple of weeks that it slowly dawned on me that I AM an athlete. It was a label that I haven’t seen on ME. One I hadn’t been ready to accept. When people would ask what I do, I’d just say I run a little and train for marathons. But not much… and just sort of poo-poo the whole thing. But once I accepted that label and started to think about what it meant, there is no doubt that I am an athlete. I’ve got a whole chest of drawers of JUST EXERCISE CLOTHES. I have trained for 9 months out of 12 for the last 3 years. I am focused on my workouts. I keep awareness about what I eat, cause I know it affects my workouts. etc. etc. My intensity of working out, my stick to it-ness, despite injuries and setbacks, and finally this year my leaps and bounds of improvement, all clearly say, ATHLETE. I started the running as a way to “see hotties” <chuckle> and get thinner and more fit. This morning while getting dressed I noticed my body in the mirror. [funny how we don’t see ourselves…] And I’m am looking pretty darned good! Not bulked out, but lean.  And my weight has been really good without me having to be too conscious about it. Was surprised to see myself 151lb last night. I was 156 last week. Kinda of amazing considering that we JUST had the holidays where eating is often out of control. Although I have to admit, mine was pretty good this year. Wasn’t even really trying… But enough. I have accomploshied a goal of getting thinner easily enough and now have entered into a new lifestyle that has brought me greater satisfaction and enjoyment than I thought when I embarked on my first run.

So the second part, accepting help, came about when i was realizing my reluctance to sit down and write out the instructions to my support group (my parents) on where to meet me on the race route for the marathon. I’ve basically have put it off this the week of the marathon. I finally sent out the instructions last night! Four days before the marathon and TWO days AFTER I had promised them I would get them the instructions! Plus there are a few more instructions to go over once I get to their house the night before the race. So what is it about asking for help from people, even my parents, that I am reluctant to do? This behavior is one I have acknowledge before in my Warriors group. Interesting this is that once I identified and said it out loud, I was very quickly able to get about that business and take care of it! A little psycho analysis kind of reveals to myself…. a young boy who felt out of place with his family. Not necessarily, not loved, but just one who felt like a stranger. As if no one “got” him. I think it was thinking like that, that directed me to “take care of things myself”. We could also say that my parents were so busy with their careers, they didn’t pay enough attention to a young boy who had a harder time expressing himself. But that is a easy out explanation.

Breakfast table observations

Hmm…don’t know if the simply moving to another place and doing something a little different is really making a difference. So I’m trying this experiment of not eating my breakfast in front of the computer in the morning. Want to be a little more mindful of what I’m eating in the morning. I’ve been eating in my “dining” room next to the kitchen in the mornings now for the past two days. I have noticed a couple of things.

⁃    The room is warmer than the computer room. Benefit with all this cold weather we’ve been having.
⁃    My big ass table, needs to be cleared of all the construction junk. I’m doing that tomorrow night.
⁃    Those folding chairs I got. Cheapo, but not comfortable. I just wish 4-6 chairs were not so expensive. IKEA or start looking for used.
⁃    The lighting is for blind cave newts. Must. Improve.

I think that some of this is starting to show a bigger picture for me. One is that the tasks that are need to be completed for my “cascita” is a long list and I think I a have been overwhelmed by it. The list of tasks are many and I haven’t made that list. Not doing that, it ends up getting forgotten and then my mind mentally blocks it from my conscious. I’m then left with a incomplete place. It’s not like the tasks are hard…quite easy really. I just need to make the list and start checking it off.

LIST OF HOUSE TO DOs: (subject to change)

Dining room:
•    clear off table
•    new chairs
•    new over head light/lamp
•    replace paper blinds with “real” blinds
•    drape/curtain for back door
•    cover up outlets/holes
•    get recycling bins and move outside

Kitchen
•    find drape for window over sink
•    hanging shelf for pots/pans

Living room/entrance
•    Get a sofa
•    Get some shelves
•    put away boxes
•    get small drapes for door and small door side windows

Computer room
•    encode CDs/tapes/LP’s to digital format (long term project!)
•    clear away papers from filing cabinets, file them away!
•    replace ceiling fan or get it to stop squeaking
•    put up drapes
•    Install bike hook [ceiling] inside

Bedroom
•    Drapes (this room first, if only)
•    Check floor boards for air leak! (check out rugs from Garden Ridge (supposedly cheap)

Get protective bags and boxes to store stuff up in attic
Finish stripping inside doors, repaint, and re install inside house.

Install back porchlight
Change up light switches for backyard light and kitchen light and back room light.

Another observation to note as of late: My excitement about having met a most interesting young lady. At the first glance, she is a completely different “cut” for me. I think that one major thing to illustrate is that we don’t have so much in common in our “external” interests. Although that has yet to be discovered, it IS still early… BUT we do share a major interest on the INTERNAL. That of doing the “personal development”. That inward looking, searching, fixing/correcting, working on. Making a connection on this level is a new experience for me. For the past relationships I have had, connections on the external, Music, Photography, Sex, Art, while consuming and intense, ultimately failed for lack of being able to look beyond. Or unable to be supportive or trusting. Granted there were many issues and this is simplifying it, the point is there. I’m certainly gonna take notice. It also helps that she’s a totally cutie.

New decade & new stuff…

New stuff…

Lots of new things percolating for me:

BIG stuff
1) It’s a new decade. Happy New Year!
2) Houston Marathon is coming up next weekend. I plan on rocking it.
3) MS150 training is about to start. Can’t wait!
4) I’m going to Detroit for the Movement Electronic Music Festival in May.
5) I’m setting up plans for running the Half Marathon in Medellín, Colombia in September.
6) I’ve started dating again.

Smaller
a) Going to try to not eat in front of the computer in the mornings. I don’t want to be automatic with my eating.

Lots and lots of stuff. #6 right now has given me the most buzz. I’ve been doing things differently and it has been working out well for me. I don’t want to say too much about it right now, cause it’s in it’s infancy and I feel like if I talk or think about it too much, I’ll spoil it. But I will say, I’m having a blast!

That #a came out from a discussion with a woman about personal development. We had been talking a bit about food and cooking. It’s an exercise to see how I can bring a little bit of morning awareness to my eating. I normally eat in front of the computer and read blogs and what not. One of my current issues is that my new place I’m living in, while it is habitable, it is not company comfortable. Meaning, I ain’t going to be having people over to hang out. It’s not set up for that just yet. So another reason I’m beginning to see why I want to do this exercise is to bring my attention to the deficiency of the comfort of my place. Hopefully modivating me to working on making it better. I can tell straight up, I need to find a replacement hanging lamp for the dining room. MORE LIGHT!

MS150 – 2010 version

Getting started for the new round…

We rode 26 miles on the first day of the new year! Best way to start it if you ask me! Thanks to Brenda for organizing the BCO event.

Donate to my cause here. Thank you!