Keeping Conscious Rotating Header Image

new trends

I am noticing a recent trend in some of my dates with the people I have been meeting. Maybe it is because it’s through one of those online “dating” services, but the situation is more about me than the service or the woman. This “condition” as I shall call it, was kind of brought to my attention by a post a friend of mine put up recently on her blog. (hotpinksocks) Recently she had to dump a man who just wasn’t into being careful with her heart. (I don’t know him, but from what I read from her writings, he’s a dick. And that’s with my BS filter on.) But she mentioned something in the end of her post about how to be able to trust men after she said to him can she trust him with her heart and he said yes and then went and crushed it. So how does this remind me of myself?

Seems like I tend to overwhelm my dates. Too much information about myself or too much feedback. Maybe I’m attracting people who are resistant to sharing more about themselves. Or maybe the situation is that I am too comfortable with sharing too much too quickly. Add also in too much of a high expectation that I have of wanting to hear from that person, probably more frequently than they are ready to give. I think, I am all too much ready to “jump” in the waters of a relationship rather than taking my time and wading in. I would think that I would see this much more clearly, especially with when you take the time and go slower, I would suspect that you would be able to see incompatibility between the two much more clearly before complete “mind melding” has happened!

While my friend is clearly hurt from the experience, and rightly so, for me it is getting tiring and draining.  It’s like an investment of my personal energy. Energy of taping into my emotions, finding words to express the feelings, observations, remembering the details, spending the time focusing on the person to remember conversations. All of these take their toll. Not good or bad, I’m not passing judgement, it’s more like, I am tired of spending all that energy doing that for then someone who, then just doesn’t respond. Or can’t express to me to stop/slowdown or “YES WE LIKE IT! MORE MORE MORE!!!”

The problem is, I’m really struggling to figure out how to hold back. The thing is, I LIKE to share myself with others. Something’s gotta give, cause I’m getting tired of the disappointment. And being disappointed is just not a place i like to be, cause then all those bad things about myself I really don’t like start to come out. It’s like I go all DARKSIDE. Ugh. I want to stay positive and be in the LIGHT. So let’s keep it positive.

Cub Scout Badges

The other night I was walking with a friend after dinner and we got around to discussing what is important in your life, type of discussion. She mentioned that doing events/certain activities and going to special places had importance for her. These things were things that she could share with others and have a sense of accomplishment for herself. I kinda agree with her. But there is a second dimension to this equation that’s missing for me. I equate these accomplishments as Cub Scout badges. Little pieces of cloth you get and then sew onto a sash that you can then show off to others. That’s all good and fine, but ultimately I feel like these accomplishments are very “external” in their existence. These accomplishments don’t really reside INSIDE of me, except only as memories. Also the context in which this discussion was happening was that the doing of the activities, there wasn’t really mention of doing these activities WITH someone special in your life. Kinda doing them solo. Now, I don’t believe that the special person has to be RIGHT THERE with you doing the same activity…the person can be a supporter, a fellow experiencer of the event…etc. But essentially, the doing of these accomplishments are to not be done alone. They need to be shared. Or more importantly, it isn’t always the event/accomplishment that is what is important, but the person you relate it to.

Hmmm… maybe not quite right..keep trying. here:

As a person learning more about myself, for me to just go out and do things, they certainly help me in develop and get to know myself, but I feel that the real work in helping me to understand myself and where I am in the world, it really is about relationships with people and that other spiritual side/energy/god. I guess I would rather pass up a mountain climbing trip to Everest vs spending several days with someone who I can truly communicate and share myself with. Taking a walk in the park with this person on a daily basis would be far much more important to me vs a week by myself on top of the highest mountain.

I never did get many Cub Scout badges…

MS150 Training Ride #9

Getting off my butt, making videos! Welcome back and I apologize for the long delay. This ride was way back in the beginning of March and now it’s the beginning of April!

The Big Ride is coming up FAST. April 17-18th! Mark your calendars!

I have two more to catch up with! EEK! Well, lets get right too it, here is the video!

And remember, I am participating in the MS150 to help raise money for research to help find a cure for MS. I do all this running, biking and training, because people with MS cannot. Please donate and help out. Thanks!

Here is the link to donate:
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eric.henao

Art connection

Lawndale Art Center had an multi-artist opening on Friday night (3/12/2010). I knew none of the artists. But the event also had the Frosted Betty truck stopping by that specializes in cupcakes. That was actually my main drive to get out there. Silly I know, but hey, it’s CUPCAKES!

Got there a little early and no cupcake truck. So I went inside and mulled around on the main floor checking out the interesting video print and found film prints show. All of a sudden about 200+ people show up! What’s going on? Turns out, up on the second floor is another artist who’s art kinda referenced metallurgy. Well all these people were in town for a metallurgy conference!

I listened through the two downstairs artists talk. Kinda cool actually, for visually it reminded me of the sonic My Bloody Valentine concert I went to last year. [Extreme loud db makes your vision blurry not to mention your insides jiggle. Don't worry I had ear plugs and ear muffs on - together] When they finished I wandered up stairs to the second gallery area.

Up to the smaller upstairs show, Caroline Gore from Kalamazoo, MI. Small petite woman wearing something that looked like 5 inch heels. Very elfin looking. Anyways she starts to talk about her exhibit, which encompasses all four walls of the room. Now it is important to note that the work is not all consistent on the time line. It actually is an evolution of work of almost 10 years. Themes, poignant dreams, repeating symbols patterns and exploration of evolved insight is what happens over that time. What struck me was this parallel of her art work to my inner personal development work. How? Her work starts off with this “idea” that comes to her in a dream, so she works on making the piece. It’s like a raw outpouring of emotion that was triggered by this significant dream that she had. Powerful with work that can be characterized as created with raw tools. You know how when you work or do something completely new for the first time? How is it…weird. Unwieldily. Awkward. You make big movements to express the unfamiliar idea. There is no subtlety just this raw output. As your eye continues to follow along the wall and through her work…you see the evolution. Of her ability to tap into the rawness of that emotion that she had. But it’s not so raw. It’s evolving. Still powerful, still emotional. But her ability to express is refining, getting better. More subtlety is coming out in the work…more and more as your eyes continue around. I just felt it. I GOT IT. I was like for a good couple of minutes CONNECTED to this artist. My life and it’s struggles of working on my “issues” post divorce. Filtering out the raw, getting in touch with the emotion, finding ways of expression, trusting myself to know what was right. I felt I was looking at a timeline of a physical manifestation of my inner mental journey.

She made an interesting comment about her current status of the work. She felt “complete about it”. Like she had come to an end of exploration of it, but that didn’t mean to me that she was leaving it behind. Maybe a projection, but my take was. I’ve learned from this. I have been absorbed in it for some time and I have taken it as far as I need to go with it. I got this sense from her that now, she ready for the next phase. Again so much alike my development. I have worked and learned these things about myself as well as skills to express and work out. I am done with this level. I am ready to move on to the next. The next deeper level of learning about myself utilizing the tools I’ve learned in this round.

When Caroline concluded her little speech, I was just standing there transfixed on her. I was feeling “floaty” as if my body and mind were on another plane. I felt connected to here. Not in a “boy likes girl” sort of way, but a connection with a HUMAN. Like that expression “you can only walk in your own shoes” DIDN’T apply. It was like a shared moment that I got without communicating. It was communication, just in a completely different way. When the crowd subsided around her, I walked up and introduced myself. I had to talk slow and metered cause I was still so shaken/touched/excited/floatin. I told her what I have told you. The look in her eyes. She got it. She understood. I think there was a few seconds of not saying anything. Just feeling it. I squeezed her arm and said thanks. She smiled and turned away.

So what is art? What does art do for us? Is it just these little one off experiences? Is it a medium for us to try to connect with people about transcendent expressions? Maybe it is a hope of expression to connect to someone else with something that the individual feel. And for that expression to be pure, real. All I know is that for that briefest of moment, I felt connection with another human and it was as near close as I could get There is something there about that feeling of awareness of that moment that was really unique and “awesome”. How can I continue to keep myself aware of these possibilities? How can I prepare myself for them? How can I bring them to fruition with more frequency? Are they a situation that should be experienced more? And I guess ultimately, are they helpful. How?

Heavy stuff. We’ll just have to see where this goes and evolves.

MS150 2010 Training #8

Hello everyone!

Sorry about the delay for posting. I HAVE been training. Honest. Plus I have tons more video footage that I am slogging though to get processed and coherintly put into some sort of story! This video is actually a little different. There is no biking involved. But don’t be confused. That’s intentional! Actually, running is an excellent cross training activity for all the biking that I do. I signed up for the HoustonFIT StayFit running program and they had us do this rodeo run. It was a lot of fun and very very crowded. Enjoy the video and stay tuned for the next two bike video’s coming up!

And remember, I am participating in the MS150 to help raise money for research to help find a cure for MS. I do all this running, biking and training, because people with MS cannot. Please donate and help out. Thanks!

Here is the link to donate:
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eric.henao